Prequel to the review of Blue Jasmine, directed by Woody Allen, one of the most famous Jews known for being a Jew.

Weinstein, Blankfein, Einstein, Lichtenstein, Stein. This could be the premise of a new child’s game to name all the great jews with names ending with ‘-ein.’ I think I should have been born Jewish. I am an anxious, neurotic, person who loves to talk and gossip. I would also love to be intellectually superior to all my peers. Oh and I have a penchant for larger than average noses, which I find very sexy. I am actually and sincerely nose-o-philic. Three friends I know, a superwoman Vietnamese banker, a super tall blond glamazonian Dutch Cameron Diaz lookalike and an African American Ivy League graduate have all converted to Judaism. These minorities all wanted to be born Jewish too. Who wouldn’t want to be the minority who rules America?

In America, they are the Kings of the Economy (Goldman, Sachs, & Blankfein), Kings of Hollywood (Weinstein et al.), Kings of Comedy (Seinfeld, Stiller, Sandler), Kings of New York therefore the world (Bloomberg), Kings of Literature (Philip Roth, Allen Ginsberg, Mordechai Richler, Gertrude Stein), Kings of Physics and Relativity (Albert Einstein), Kings really of almost everything. I could go on but there isn’t enough space in my blog to list them all. Jews are 100% more clever than you or me. ‘How did you come up with this number?’ I can hear my sneering, sarcastic brother grilling and mocking me as I mention this statistic, so I prepare my answer. ‘Easy. 20% of all Nobel Laureates are Jews, but Jews only consist of 0.2% of the world population, therefore making them 100% more intelligent than the average Patel, Jones, Mohammed, or Li Ming. You can check on Wikipedia, Einstein.’ I will smugly retort.

Jews have migrated to almost every corner of the world, overcoming all kinds of adversity, which is what makes their community stronger and more resilient than most. I envy their sense of solidarity and community, which is almost a form of secret society like the Skull and Bones at Yale. I believe there is also a ‘Jewdar’ that allows them to spot a Jew from 20 meters away. They all seem to know each other and Friday night’s Shabat is a ritual of bread-eating, hat-wearing, juice-drinking that unites them in a way that they can find themselves anywhere in the world with a place to go to for dinner on Friday night. Except maybe Kings Road and Majorca. Read on:

A North London Jew meets an American Jew and they start dating. They fall in love and are deciding where to live. The American Jew lives in Kings Road, whilst the North London Jew, well, lives in North London. The American tries to convince the North Londoner to move to Kings Road, she responds ‘Kings Road? There are no Jews on Kings Road! I don’t need a lot of Jews, but I need SOME Jews!’

Another couple is made up of a non-Jew and Jew. They are lucky enough to have enough money to choose to live anywhere in the world. The non-Jew is looking at Majorca. It’s sunny, not too expensive, they have good international schools and they can adopt a Mediterranean lifestyle of good food, sunshine and have a beautiful house overlooking the azure Mediterranean sea. When she mentions this to her husband, he asks her how many Jews live on the island. She quickly turns to google and finds that 200 Jews live on the island. She breathes a sigh of relief and runs to tell her husband. He replies ‘200?! That’s not even the size of a small Jewish wedding!’ That quickly shatters her dreams of late lunches, siestas, tapas and Rioja by their pool in Deia.

So, why this sudden interest in Jews, you may ask me. Well, I am a fan of Woody Allen. Not for screwing his wife’s adoptive daughter while she was lovingly cooking his Matzo balls in their Kosher kitchen, but for his great films. His latest, Blue Jasmine, has just won Cate Blanchett an Oscar in the Best Actress category and is considered instrumental in making his comeback as a master filmmaker. Jews are great entertainers, being some of the best actors, screenwriters, and comedians around. Judd Apatow made us pee in our pants (or poo in our wedding dress for some) with the likes of Bridesmaids, Knocked up and Superbad, Ben Stiller’s Zoolander is a classic, and Seinfeld is too brilliant for words. And they also have Nathalie Portman who is every man’s wet dream.

I find that Jews are great at making others laugh by using their own shortcomings and flaws as a topic of conversation. They are witty observers of humanity, which Woody Allen achieves so well in his movies by making us cry and laugh, often at his own and others’ downfalls. Add that to the list of why I want to be an ‘-ein’