‘Planet of the Apps: Review of At-Home Massage’


Soon, there will be Apps for just about anything. In fact, I think there already are. There are Apps for dating, eating, fornicating, cheating, dog-walking and babysitting. There are even wars created by Apps, headed by Uber, who has taken on the entire world’s taxi community, and by the looks of it, winning. So, it’s no surprise that there are 1,001 Apps for beauty and wellness. When, the Uber of beauty treatments, offered me a complimentary treatment, there is little I could say but, ‘yes, absolutely’. When it comes to beauty and wellness, my one top choice of treatment is a massage. It’s mood enhancing, it decreases cortisol levels, and it just makes me a happier and nicer person. Everyone wins. Which is why everyone gives me massages for my birthday. They know that they will see the improved version of myself, which makes it a much better experience for everyone.

I’d like to say I am an expert on massages. Of course, the best therapists in the world are Thai therapists who cost all but $30 a go for an expensive one. They have magical hands who just know what to do. The worst massage I’ve had were in Egypt by a male masseuse whose hands were way too wandering, or another one that left me with torticollis for a week or the female masseuse with sandpapery, rough hands. Doesn’t she realise that having a massage is not the same as having a body scrub with industrial strength sandpaper? It’s like asking for a smooth chocolate mousse and they bring you one full of sand? And then there are the ‘out-of-the-world’ expensive massages, like the one at Sandy Lane Barbados where for something like $450, you can get the same massage as the lovely Thai therapist on the beach in Phuket. Another big no.

Every woman I know loves massages, so men, whenever you want to redeem yourself (ie. I ‘need’ to watch that Chelsea-Arsenal game while you take the kids to ‘another’ birthday party), just give them a massage and all will be well in the world. But I am diverging. Coming back to my GoPriv massage. The booking process was not the usual one so I cannot comment on how practical the App is. I can tell you about my lovely therapist Kelly who arrived (slightly late), but cheery and accommodating (always good). She brought her massage table and accompaniments, music, fleece towel and oils which she quickly set up in my living room.

Poor woman had to barricade my living room door since, as an NHYM, I am renovating and have swarms of builders ‘living’ in my house. I really did not want the builders to see me in my massage robe while they were toiling away fixing my bathroom. This would definitely be sending off the wrong messages (unlike one NHYM rumoured to be having an affair with her Polish builder). The massage itself was really quite lovely. She had hole in the massage table for my head (essential) and put on some lovely waves-crashing-ocean-spa-music, which covered some of the drilling going on next door. We were interrupted twice in NHYM style; the plumber needing to bleed the radiators and my housekeeper asking about the ‘school run pick up.’

Kelly, my therapist, specialises only in massages, so I had high expectations. I pretend that I’m the expert, but really I’m not, she is the real expert, and her hands certainly knew what they were doing. She gave me an excellent massage but my only problem is that my home is in a dysfunctional, upside-down state that I was embarrassed about letting her in my layer of dust and renovation, that I apologised, knowing that these were not exactly the perfect massage circumstances. Needless to say, I would book one again, but in the meantime, I’ll have to find a new home.