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Family Life

Digital Anxiety: What I’ve Learned Parenting in the Digital Generation

‘Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master.’ Christian Lange Nobel Prize Winner

A few months ago, I was organising a sleepover for my daughter and her friends when I was accosted by one of her friend’s mums asking me: ‘Does your daughter have a cell/mobile phone?’ with the same intensity and anxiety as if she were asking me if we kept guns at home (something that does happen in LA I’ve been told!). Taken aback, I wasn’t quite sure how to answer. Sheepishly, I replied, ‘Yes, but she’s only allowed an hour a day.’ I was faced with a blank stare. ‘She has time limits.’ No change. ‘She doesn’t have TikTok or Instagram. Only 5 minutes of Snapchat a day just so she can communicate with a few friends.’ Still, my response landed flat. I soon realised that there was no way I was going to assuage her or win this argument. Then, she proceeded to lecture me that I needed to take away her phone at night for the sleepover. I was so petrified and paralyzed that I failed to find any witty comebacks or to tell her that my daughter’s phone shuts down at night anyway so it wouldn’t be a problem.

Of course, I wish I had said: ‘But I am a good mum! Both my children are top schools in the UK! One of them is a national level performance athlete and the other was invited to Mathematics Masterclasses at the Royal Institute of Mathematics! They’ve both sang at the O2 with Paul McCartney! Both their names are inscribed in plaques in their primary school’s dining hall for their contributions to their school! They’ve been called perfect and I’ve literally been asked for breakfast for parenting/schooling advice!’ But instead, I was speechless, #mumshamed. I had yet again, been made to feel like a #Mumfail.

Turns out, I am not even safe from the Phone Mafia even in my own house. Social media and screens have been the hot topic of every Whatsapp parent group, and only more spurred on by the book ‘The Anxious Generation by Dr. Jonathan Haidt,’ and the TV Series ‘Adolescence.’ At school, we are constantly being given lectures and workshops on how to navigate screen times and social media and on Digital Safety. It’s a hotter topic than the European wildfires.

Let me clear, of course I often wish my kids never had phones, but this is where we are and there’s no going back but with some common sense and a lot of parent involvement, you can really get through this unharmed. It is the parents’ responsibility once they give their child a phone to know what is going on with their kids online. I mean, you should really know if your child is on Onlyfans or watching pornography or bullying others, that is a parenting responsibility.

I don’t think the issue is black or white and I do not inherently think that phones are ‘good or evil.’ It’s how they are used that matters. As a scientist, I do not believe that phones and social media are the sole cause of all of our children’s mental health struggles (the scientific basis of the Anxious Generation book is at best loose, and doesn’t distinguish causality from correlation and omits other world variables on children during the same time period). I do agree that it can be very scary navigating unknown teenage internet territory and we should be wary and involved in their digital lives. I do believe that social media companies have a responsibility to keep children safe, rather than feed them dangerous algorithms of starvation, suicide or other ridiculously inappropriate content. It’s a complex subject to say the least, but it’s important not to label phones or all social media as the root of all evil.

Both of my children received phones when they started senior schools and started travelling to school on their own. They use their phones to call me when they’re late, when they’re lost and when things change like the tubes being suspended and they have no way home. They use the bus and tube timetables in the morning to get to school, and googlemaps when they’re walking around in the neighborhood. (And I can track them when they are riding the bus in the wrong direction!). Unlike Dr Haigt’s argument about kids being less independent when they use a phone, it’s been quite the opposite; they have the confidence to travel alone in London because they can look up maps any time they get lost and know they can call me any time.

Not only that, but they keep in touch with friends from all over the world, speak to their grandparents on Whatsapp video calls who live across oceans and channels, and use phones creatively all the time for capcut videos, sing-a-thons, travel vlogs and learn how to draw online. They follow sports and news and share their interests with us. It’s not all bad. The reality, is we live in a digital world, and we, as parents, have to help them navigate the digital world in a positive way.

But I agree that there is plenty of value highlighting the need to be aware of what’s going on online in our children’s worlds: pornography, strangers connecting with them, cyberbullying, blackmail but also, screen addiction, shortening attention spans, and obsession with looking a certain way. It can happen to adults, but children will evidently be more vulnerable. There is so much to unpick when discussing screens, the internet and social media usage but we, as parents, have a duty to try to keep them as safe as possible. For now, I will contribute some tips I have learned so far while parenting the digital generation.

Here are my top 10 Tips of dealing with social media and screen time:

  1. Digital Education: talk, talk, talk to your kids about what they might come across online and what they need to do to keep themselves safe. Talk about how much screen time is healthy and go over their screen usage together. Encourage them to choose their own ‘screen time’ goals and see if they can achieve them. Set healthy boundaries for them.
  2. Use the Parental controls to block any unwanted websites: violence, drugs, pornography etc…
  3. Time limits can be valuable. Iphones have inbuilt time limits in their parental controls settings, otherwise Qustodio or Family Link are useful apps until they are responsible for their phone usage. But it’s not only how much time they spend on screens, it’s also quality: learning a new language and learning how to draw online is not the same as talking to a stranger online or ‘doomscrolling.’ A big benefit of Qustodio is you can actually see what your child has been scrolling online: you can see how much time they’ve spent on Life360, Whatsapp, Capcut, etc… and what searches they’ve done on online.
  4. The first most important tip from psychologists: Take phones away a night. My children’s phones shut down from 9:30 pm to 7am to avoid the screaming and shouting matches when I try to take them away.
  5. Make sure you have screen – free meals and screen – free time as a family. Remind them that there is life outside the internet. How you use screens as a family is important: model positive screen usage.
  6. Ensure that they have IRL hobbies and friends. Complete seclusion from real life is a warning sign.
  7. Phones are not the only screen that can cause harm: ipads and other screens can also affect your child so make sure those are protected too.
  8. Wait – as long as possible – to give them social media apps: Insta, Snap, TikTok, Youtube shorts. They are not necessary for 10 year olds. Whatsapp is a personal choice, but it has its benefits for communicating with friends. You can also give them phones with only child-friendly apps and without social media, adult content, and addictive apps like the Balance Phone, which is a great option.
  9. If your schools use Ipads, you can also invest in apps that can shut down the internet to school devices and home internet once they have finished their homework. Youtube is a big culprit for time-wastage, and it can be hard to control, given that many school iPads allow Youtube. A bit drastic, but when Youtube is driving you crazy, it’s good to know you can still have control!
  10. The most important tip, is to continue to connect with your child, so that if anything ever were to come up online, they feel comfortable opening up to you. This is my most valuable tip. If you’re going to give your child a phone, try to have a good grasp of what’s going on in their digital lives, just as you would in real life. You might not know everything that’s going on, but you should try to have a good understanding of your child’s screen life, just as you do in real life. It’s not always easy, but at least they know that they have someone to turn to navigating this new world.

We are the first generation of parents dealing with screens and social media and there is no set path or blueprint on how to best support our kids; we are learning as we go along. Not only that, but the effects of screens on our kids (and us) keeps emerging. We can only try our best. Just try not to make other mums feel bad about their choices: we’re all trying to do what’s best for our kids.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillmummy.com

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Family Life, Social Commentary

Senior School Anxiety & The 11+ Exam V.2

Lately, I have been approached by a lot of mums going through the 11+ process who have been asking me for advice. When I was trekking through that minefield, I had – luckily – some elders who gave me a lot of advice: some good, some excessive, some useless, but mostly I was really grateful to have people to talk to. Earlier in the year I wrote my first blog on senior school anxiety: nottinghillmummy.com/2022/04/20/senior-school-entry-anxiety/ and here is the follow up blog Version 2.0.

(Note Bene: these were all mothers who had been through the process and had a lot of opinions. I did not speak to other mums going through the 11+ at the same time for a number of reasons, but mostly because they would stress me out or put their stress on me.)

This is how I navigated the 11+: I took advice from those who knew better and learned from them. Here are some of the questions I wish someone had answered before I started the whole process.

When do you start prepping for the 11+ process? Every parent is different. Of course, you will always have the kids who know their entire multiplication tables by the time they get to Year 1, but those are the outliers. And those who might be behind academically might need to start earlier. But as a general rule, a good start for the 11+ prep is one year from the exam. So if it is in December, start one year before. Some will start later, like in Easter, but I think that’s too late in case your child has weaknesses that you haven’t spotted yet. You can start more than a year before, but in my opinion, that’s a bit of overkill and might burn out your child too soon. With the one-year-before approach, I would advise little and often. If you decide to start earlier, one good thing to do is to assess your child to make sure they are on the right path. Your school should have given you their test scores and you should have a decent grasp of how they are doing. This is where you can see what your child needs to work and address those weaknesses early on.

How do you prepare for the 11+?

Everyone wants the magic formula. Of course, tutors pretty much have to be involved if you are aiming for the most academic schools. Very few get in with little tutoring. It is still possible, but your chances are inevitably lower. For good, but not the most academic schools, you can get away without tutoring if your child is bright enough. For me, as I already mentioned, I addressed my child’s weaknesses and put my focus on that. In that way, I didn’t have to over-tutor and kept the process relatively gentle (unlike some parents who were tutoring every day). But many people feel that’s not enough so in general, for those aiming at the most academic schools, I found that most parents have two tutors: one for English and one for Maths. On top of that, Bond books and atom are very popular (Bond books for general knowledge and atom for exam practice). After that, everyone has their own methods and needs and each child is an individual.

How do you choose a senior school? Now, everyone has different requirements and values so the schools you like are not necessarily the school other people will like. So every person should just do what’s right for them. But don’t always voice your opinions. (Recently, someone I know went to visit my child’s senior school on open day and came back to me and said, ‘I hated it!’ which is probably something one should avoid doing).

The way I chose our school is as follows:

  • Academics
  • Proximity to home
  • Curriculum
  • The School & Facilities
  • Social environment
  • Extra-curriculars

I’ll go through each topic in some more detail.

Academics is of course on top of most people’s list: will the school challenge my child but not push him/her too far? Schools that are going to be too intense may not be the right school for your child, which is why sometimes over-tutoring can backfire. Do you want your child to be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond? You could argue for both. But you want to make sure the school is right for your child: I repeat, not all these pushy schools are right for your child. There are plenty of kind, good schools particularly for those who are less academically inclined.

Proximity: Proximity is very high on my list on how to choose a school. I wanted a school that wasn’t too far from our home. Ideally under 30 minutes, but 30-45 minutes max. Having spent 3 hours on the school bus every day growing up, I didn’t want them to have the same experience. In addition, you want your child to have friends that live nearby and not have friends scattered far away. This makes it so much easier for playdates. Even for boarding schools, it is much easier if they are closer so your child can easily come home for the weekend. Also, how are the transport links? Because soon enough, they will want to travel on their own.

Curriculum: Not all schools have the same curriculum so make sure it is a school that offers what you are looking for. For example, some have only A Levels whereas some offer the International Baccalaureate as well. Most academic schools will have a broad, somewhat similar curriculum, but some will have more languages on offer for example or be more focussed on sciences and maths.

The school & facilities: My child immediately wanted a school with sports facilities and big spaces. It’s not easy to find that in Central London, so until you see the schools, it will be hard to decide. Just as someone might like a smaller school saying it is more cosy, someone else might say the exact same school is very cramped. So everyone has their opinions and needs. Facilities like a nice gym, a climbing wall, modern 6th form areas, swimming pools, sports pitches on site all add something as well. Also, do you like the neighbourhood? Is it somewhere you could see your child hanging out after school?

Social Environment: This is an important topic that is just as important as the other ones. Every school has a reputation: ‘the urban school, the drugs and alcohol school, the trustafarian school, the super-academic school with mental health issues, the sporty school, the ED school’ and the list goes on. Every school has a reputation and you will have to decide which aspects you are willing to live with and which you just don’t want to ever come across. The schools have very different feels to them and it has to be the right environment for your child.

Extra-curriculars: It’s not the most important on the list, but is still to be taken in consideration. Some schools offer lots of sports, some offer music, some art etc… Just have a look at them and see if there is something your child would like to do. A few jumped out when we were visiting schools and it was one of the big reasons my child chose that school.

At the end of the day, each child will end up where they should end up. And if it doesn’t work out, they can always change schools. This school will not determine the rest of their future, so relax a bit, take my advice and all will be well. I asked my child what they liked about their school and the reply was: 1. My friends 2. The lessons 3. The atmosphere. So far, it sounds like we made a good choice.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

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Family Life

Senior School Entry Anxiety…

They say a picture conveys a 1000 words and for those of us who live in London and have children who will – inevitably – take the 11+ exam (or 7+/13+) to gain entry into the most coveted senior school places, the 11+ conjures images of bloody backstabbing, intense Olympic-tutor-training and Edvard Munch type fear. (For those of you who don’t have kids – stop reading – or this will put you off kids forever).

But don’t worry. You are not alone. And you will survive. I promise.

The bad news is that it can be as bad as you can possibly imagine, I mean tears, pill-popping and lying-to-your-best-friends-face bad. But the good news is that it doesn’t have to be and I am here to hold your hand and guide you through the whole process. Not sure if I will actually help, but think of me as a ‘survivor’ and someone who made it out alive in – barely – one piece.

I was very lucky in that I had friends with older children who had gone through the whole process and gave me their infinite wisdom, some of which I ignored completely, but a lot of it which helped me infinitely. And for those who don’t have that luck, well it’s your lucky day, because I can be that person. Hopefully, in the next few blog posts, I can give you some of my wise advice.

So to start, ** drumroll* here are my 10 Commandments for getting through the 11+ and Senior School Exams:

  1. Always remember, it’s the school that chooses your child. Not the other way around.
  2. Look at schools that will fit your child, not where you think you would like your child to go to.
  3. It’s not about what you want. As a matter of fact, it’s not about you. Did I already mention that?
  4. Over tutoring may not be a good thing. They may end up overanxious, stressed out, eating too much or too little, and end up a statistic in the increasing teen mental health problem.
  5. Don’t listen to what so-and-so is doing. Anyway, most of them are lying.
  6. As a matter of fact, if you really want to stay sane, don’t talk to any of the other mums at the school gates. Choose a few close confidantes that you can talk to, who will support you, and that’s it.
  7. Make a plan of what you think is reasonable for your child. Don’t over tutor just because you think you have to. Have a clear idea of where your family values lie and don’t waver.
  8. Have reasonable expectations and be realistic – if your child is in the bottom sets, don’t try to make them sit St Paul’s. That’s just a waste of time and energy.
  9. Don’t stress, or your child will stress too.
  10. Remember, it’s your child’s race, not anybody else’s. So support them, love them, guide them, but the rest is up to them.

So remember, just Keep Calm and Carry On and you will get through this.

And Good Luck!

xx

NHM

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Family Life, Social Commentary

The British Schooling (Torture) System

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Images courtesy of the internet. NHYM 2018. 

Lately, all we’ve (the mums) been talking about has been exams: it is January when most of the 7+/8+/11+ exams are happening and it’s been dire: chatter about who’s taking what exam, to what school and who’s been getting interviews etc…and those that say they aren’t taking them and you see them at the 7+ hiding in the bushes. I have consciously not yet entered this quite cutthroat world, but eventually, I too will have to face it.

I was having lunch with a friend who is slightly panicking because she has never tutored her kids but now has the 11+ coming up next year and is worried about her child not getting into any school. She is adamantly against tutoring, but I told her that the problem is that everyone else is tutoring, so you need to know what you are up against. She then said ‘This is crazy. What are we doing to our kids? And to what end?’

I have heard of people going on anxiety pills for the infamous 11+ – and that’s just the mums – and children not able to sleep at night because of exam stress as young as 7 years old. Everyone is getting stressed: fathers losing their s*&t and mums taking a year off prestigious jobs to overlook their children’s progress. But it is starting earlier and earlier. Children are already being tutored in Reception and by Year 2, everything accelerates when those looking to do the 7+ are already learning the Year 4 curriculum. I’m being advised by a friend on what activities my child should be doing right now for her future university application. It’s all very fast, too early and too soon.

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So, why are we doing this to our children? The most prestigious girls school in the UK has an extremely high rate of mental health issues: anxiety, depression, eating disorders and personality disorders. Until this changes, I would never send my children there. And the girls consortium who is trying to scrap their exam because of exam stress. Isn’t it all a bit much for 11 year olds?

I understand the statistics though: the better school you get into, the higher chance of going to a good university, and the better the university, the better chance of getting a good job. This is all true, by all means. But it’s not the only way. There are ways of getting to the top without these illustrious diplomas and distinctions.

My alma mater receives 30,000 applications for something like 1,500 spots. There is no way I would get into it these days. But I have hope that there are plenty of great schools/universities – perhaps not the best but very good – that will provide my children with a great education. So, let’s all relax a bit. If you’re not trying to be a billionaire/Fortune 500 CEO/Entrepreneur of the year, then you should relax too (and if you are, good luck to you). Most of us are lucky enough to send our children to good schools, and most likely they will end up in good universities. So, let’s just take a step back and realise that the world will be run by robots anyway, so your kids might as well have fun along the way.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

 

Here’s some advice to parents from Hannah Ogahara, who runs a local tutoring agency Love Learning Tutors:

How to be involved in your child’s school life without being overbearing

It is easy enough to be involved with your child’s studies when they are young but what do you do when your child grows into one of those moody teenagers? We’ve all been on the receiving end of some harsh backchat. It can leave you feeling helpless when all you want to do is to offer your years of experience. Let’s face the facts, it may be a challenge to be your child’s best friend over the next few years, but here are some simple things you can do to ease tension at home and stay involved without becoming overbearing.

Actively listen

One of the greatest frustration that teenagers face is when parents make assumptions about what they should be doing. This is quite a general one and includes friendship groups and interests as well as school life. It may be that you don’t remember the particular teacher they are talking about, or perhaps you weren’t really listening because you were juggling many tasks when they confided in you. We recommend discussing school life with your child and making an effort to really listen and retain what you are being told. This builds trust and the knowledge that they can come to you for guidance.

Be aware of your communication style

If you find yourself getting into frequent arguments with your child about school, change your approach. Try to avoid confrontation and change the focus to constructive solutions. Veer away from the nagging voice and steer towards calm, pragmatic tones. Ask open question rather than questions that can be quickly shut down.

Swap “Have you done your homework?” and “Where is your homework?” for “Do you have a lot of homework?”, “Tell me about your homework, is there anything interesting?”

Ask small questions often

Get into the habit of asking small school related questions often so that it doesn’t come as a surprise when you need to bring something up. Try remember who is teaching what, which teachers they like and which they don’t. This shows that you’re really listening and taking interest. It makes it easier for your child to keep you in the loop.

Celebrate

Let your child know when they are doing well and celebrate successes together. Everyone loves to feel successful and valued. No matter how big your child gets, no one is immune to a bit of praise (provided they feel they have earned it). This should encourage your child to tell you how things are going on a frequent basis.

Share stories

Carefully select stories to share about your school experiences. Regardless of whether they are things that went well or terribly wrong. A good story provided at the right time can allow for bonding between you and your child. It helps your child understand that you’ve been through the same things are sympathetic towards them and their academic journey. Be on the same team rather than opposing sides, “you are wrong” vs “I am right”.

Less “When I was at school it was much harder because…”

More “I had a similar teacher who used to…”

Don’t take it personally

This is one of the hardest tips to put into practice. Having your child snap at you can leave you feeling distraught; and feeling that your constant efforts to provide them with the best you can, aren’t being appreciated. Unfortunately, adolescence is a difficult time for everybody. The above suggestions will help with positive and open communication, but things will not always go to plan. When this happens take a deep breath and step away for a moment, rather than letting things escalate.

www.lovelearningtutors.com

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Family Life, Social Commentary

To Tutor Or Not to Tutor, That is the Question…

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We’ve all been there: sitting at the dining room table trying to get our child to do their homework and secretly wanting to scream:’ FINISH YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE!’ But instead, we smile at them, restraining ourselves, and quietly tell them they need to finish their homework and bribe them with a bit of TV… And then the day arrives when you throw in the towel and call in the professionals.

When I first heard about tutors for children as young as 6 I thought it was absolutely absurd! Of course, I now know that it happens even earlier, and that there is a lot of discussion about whether to get a tutor for your child or not. I never thought I would be one to encourage the use of tutors unless necessary but I’ve come to think of it as I do breastfeeding: If it works well for you to breastfeed (ie. your child is naturally clever and doesn’t need extra help), wonderful, lucky sod, but if it doesn’t work out for one reason or other, well I’m all for bottle-feeding and tutoring.

Now, there is a stigma around tutoring, and many mums hide that their children are getting tutored. More than once, I have had friends who have asked their children’s friends’ nannies for playdates, for the nanny to reply ‘sorry, so-and-so has tutoring that day’ even if the mother of the friend previously denied ever using a tutor. I also know that this tutoring phenomenon is not only prevalent in London, but is in New York (obviously) and is around in other places like Switzerland, Canada, and Monaco.

I think there is a definite place for tutors, especially when a child falls behind in class and needs extra help, then tutoring is absolutely warranted. The problem I find though is that in London everyone ends up being tutored and to keep up, you have to get your child tutored and it isn’t about choice or innate intelligence but how many hours of tutoring they have each week. I mean, I know a 4 year old who already has English tutoring on Mondays, French on Tuesdays, Maths on Thursdays and endless other activities to fill their week! How is anyone else supposed to keep up?

For now, I am holding off having the tutoring conversation with myself, but one day, I realise that I might have to address it. I have been approached by many tutors over the past few years and took the opportunity to ask one to answer a few questions about whether to get a tutor or not, for those who may be interested. It’s quite long and a lot of it you may feel you already know, so feel free to jump to the questions that interest you. More posts on education coming soon!

I have no personal experience with this tutor therefore cannot endorse them in any way. This is purely for informational purposes and to get a tutor’s perspective. 

Milestones Education: WHY GET A TUTOR? 

1. Why should we use tutors in the first place?                                                                                                                                                                                                    

There are so many reasons why tutors are valuable. It is not a one size fits all reason; every individual will have different reasons for getting a tutor. However, from my experience, I can tell you the common reasons people use us. The individual attention that the student gets with using a tutor is extremely valuable. It is something you cannot even get at the top independent schools.

  • Good tutors have the time to truly identify the student’s weaknesses and strengths and then correct them. In the traditional classroom, it is impossible for one teacher to meet all the needs of each student and ensure everyone is up to speed on a topic all the time.
  • If you have a good tutor, there will always be a much higher level of direct communication and feedback with not only the student, but the parent too. This is invaluable. When I train my team of tutors, I always work on ingraining those communication and feedback skills Learners cannot progress without understanding and reflecting on where they are at, where they need to be and how to get there.
  • If you do not believe your children are thriving or reaching their potential this would be another reason. Stagnancy in learning is just as dangerous as decline and strips the student of their confidence. A tutor can fix these problems in a way that often a school or parent cannot.
  • If you have important examinations or are trying to achieve particular goals and grades, you may not know how to get there or it may just be extremely difficult to do so without some help.
  • Most importantly, the proof is in the results. Students progress further and achieve more with tutors.

2. When is the right time to start using a tutor? 

  • When there is a need or a goal that needs to be achieved by a certain time. Also when a subject is causing the student to struggle, feel stressed or under-confident.
  • In general, tuition has greater effects in younger children. From my experience and through my study of cognitive science, I know that younger primary school children have a higher level of learning plasticity in their brains. That is, their learning capacity is much higher than at later stages in life; it is still within the exponential part of the learning curve. The key to giving children the best push ahead in education is to give them a solid foundation during the early stages. It is much harder to go back and fix problems than to build the learning bricks correctly in the first place.

3. How do you help a student who is falling behind?  

  • It also means formulating a robust plan that can be regularly reviewed and monitored for progress. It means setting targets, expectations and goals. It means having a competent teacher who can support the student and help the student learn in a way that is individualised. Students need guidance and direction but they also need praise and feedback.
  • In short, you must first identify the student’s starting points through thorough assessment. They must be able to understand where they are and where they are going.
  • Over the years I have been very passionate about addressing how to most effectively conquer this scenario. It actually lead me to formulate the Milestones Methodology with contributions from psychologists, scientists, and schools.

4. How do you make learning fun and interactive? 

  • This is so important, I am glad you asked. There needs to be a bond between tutor and child; there needs to be trust. At Milestones, the team is trained to use visual organisers, apps, videos, podcasts and a large variety of multi-sensory stimuli. Where appropriate we get our students to enter competitions, do reflective diary entries, create presentations and go out to utilise skills in a way that aligns with their interests. Active learning is the only way students truly commit content to memory. You cannot use tutors that will sit and talk at your student for two hours and then set homework. This is passive and the student’s progress will be minimal and slow. You have to engage in discussion and use reflexive questioning to get the student to think about answers or conclusions themselves.

5. What about students who use tutors to get into top schools like Westminster/St Paul’s but then can’t keep up? 

  • This should never really be the case. To me, that says you have had a poorly skilled tutor or the student should not be applying to such schools. This is one of the reasons why I must assess the student to determine their starting points and so I can give an honest indication to the parents of what can be accomplished. You should not be sending your child to a school where they will be continuously struggling. There is a big difference between challenge and struggle. On the other hand, a good tutor would prepare the student in a way that puts them ahead long term. I do not just equip students to pass exams; I equip them with the skillset and knowledge to enter a trajectory of excellence long term.

6. How do you help children handle the pressure of tutoring and school competition? 

  • Students should not be in a position where they dread tuition. A supportive system should be created where the tutor is easing the pressure not causing it.
  • At the same time, this is why I said communication is important; the student has to be on board and understand the purpose of tuition.
  • Again this is why emotional intelligence development is important to me; you want to instil the skills of time management, discipline and self-motivation to deal with any pressure and come out stronger.

7. What do you think of the concept of it being better to be at the top of a lesser school rather than at the bottom of a best school? 

  • How can a student be pushed further or challenged if they are comfortably sitting at the top already? This question assumes these positions are static. If the student is at the bottom of the best school, which means there is room for growth and a plan should be established to put that in motion. The key here is to remove the generalisation and comparison. The focus should be on finding a position in the school that is best for that individual. If a student is at what is generally considered the ‘best school’ but the student is unhappy, struggling and receiving inadequate support than clearly it is not the best school.

8. What advice do you have for children going through exams? 
One of my past students discusses how he dealt with the pressure and competition here> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xsw5WEUAUM

9. What advice do you have for parents trying to give their kids the best education?

  • Ensure the choices you make are for the right reasons. Do not try and get your child into a school because everyone else is.
  • Get the child assessed; if not by an experienced tutor then get input from your child’s school. Your priority is to establish what is best for them and find the place that will best develop their unique potential.
  • Get involved with your child’s education. Understand what they are finding difficult and what they find easy. Get your child help when they need it- do not let them struggle alone.
  • Do not take schoolleague tables so literally. They are really quite misleading. The factors used to rank them cannot really be standardised and controlled for. There are also many things you need to take into consideration beyond grades in a school!

10. What’s the best advice you have on navigating the super competitive school process in the UK?

  • You need to understand what you are up against. The level of competence today is higher than ever. Even within our cohort of students there are an increasing number of truly brilliant international students well ahead of British education that are now taking top places. Therefore you need to be realistic about the level your child needs to get to and objectively decide whether it is right for them.
  • It is always good to talk to someone who understands the process well and has gone through it before; teachers, parents, students and tutors. The consultations I carry out with parents can be really eye opening and help you decide on next steps.

Anne-Marie Idowu. –Director & Head Tutor of Milestones. http://www.milestoneseducation.com

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

@NHyummymummy

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Family Life, Social Commentary, Top 10

Top 10 Tips: How To Raise Resilient Children

This blog was originally conceived as a way of escapism when I was faced with adversity and I had always wanted to keep it slightly surreal and fictionalised in the NHYM world. But we really are living in a time of high alert and we are all a bit more nervous than before that it would be impossible for me to ignore what is going on. So, to keep this post on a positive note and instead of just feeling helpless, it has led me to research and write about how we can teach our children resilience.

We all think that all we want is for our children to be ‘happy’ but this is too simplistic when reality will throw traumas, tragedies, and disappointments at us, some of which are out of our control. We, as parents, instinctively want to protect our children, but there comes a point when we can no longer protect them. What we can do, is to teach them resilience and how to bounce back from life’s challenges.

Here’s a round up of my Top 10 Tips on How To Raise Resilient Children: 

(researched on the internet and parenting books)

  1. Don’t accommodate every need: If children are never exposed to uncomfortable situations, they will never learn from them and how to handle being in such situations. Minor uncomfortable situations will teach them flexibility and how to react positively.
  2. Avoid eliminating all risks: Allow appropriate risks for them to learn their own limits.
  3. Teach them to problem solve: You won’t always be there to solve their problems. Teach them how to go through the process of solving a problem to equip them with their own problem solving skills.
  4. Don’t provide all the answers: Don’t immediately rush to answer all the questions your child may have. Show them how to answer their own questions, promoting inquisitive minds and how they can answer their own questions.
  5. Let your kids make mistakes: Failure can be a good thing (but not too much!). It teaches them that failure is OK and that they can learn from their mistakes. See it as a growth and learning experience rather than as a negative experience. We all make mistakes, and it is important to children to know that it is Ok to make them.
  6. Help manage their emotions: Teach your children that emotions are OK, but that you have to figure out what to do next and how to manage them. For example, if they are upset at a friend, try to teach them to tolerate the emotions but that they will pass.
  7. Model Resiliency: Try to show them resiliency and be calm and consistent. We could probably all learn from this list.
  8. Determine your child’s strengths and develop them: Rather than focussing on their weaknesses, build on their strengths for them to build their confidence and know that they have their own unique talents and strengths.
  9. Build their coping skills: Everyone will face a situation when things aren’t going their way. Teach them to accept things that he/she cannot change, normalise their experience and let them know that they will get over it and get stronger from it. Positivity is also a helpful.
  10. Teach children to be independent but seek help when needed: There comes a point in each child’s life when they will no longer have their parent at their side every moment of the day to support, cheer, and help but that they can ask for help when they need it.

So, in these times of stress, what we can do is teach our young children to become resilient, leading them to become resilient and strong adults. Let me know if there are ways you have helped to build your children’s resilience.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

@NHyummymummy

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Family Life, Social Commentary

Top 10 Tips: Children & Screen time

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Photo courtesy of the internet. NHYM 2015. 

I was reading an interesting article on children and screen time this weekend in the Times, Screen time and your child: what every parent needs to know, so thought I would share the most salient and pertinent points of the article:

  1. Professor Sonia Livingstone at LSE, a researcher on children and technology and an advisor to the UK Council For Internet Safety, thinks that parents need new guidance away from thinking purely in terms of time limits, towards sharing more of what their children are doing online.
  2. All screen time is not equal; we need to look at the quality of what our children are doing online; are they creative or passively consuming. ‘The challenge is for parents to work out whether they are doing something creative and imaginative or something mindless.’ says Professor Livingstone.
  3. On setting time limits: ‘If they are getting the grades you hope for and expect, if they are lively, creative, talkative and able to develop interests and hobbies, those are indicators that your child is fine.’
  4. Keeping an eye on the balance is key: Are they playing sports, going outside enough, and getting enough face to face interaction?
  5. More than three and a half hours a day on social networks is linked to low self esteem and depression. One study showed that the happiest 10-15 year olds spent no more than one hour a day on social networks.
  6. Aric Sigman, a psychologist, has come up with some time limits. He recommends 30 minutes to 1 hour a day of recreational screen time for 3 to 7 year olds, one hour for 7 to 12 year olds, 90 minutes for 12 to 15 year olds, and two hours for teens aged 16 and over. Wishful thinking. But it’s a good goal.
  7. Start having screen time with the family: make time each week where the whole family goes online and shows each other interesting sites or fun things they’ve discovered. Livingstone recommends one hour per week.
  8. For 15 years the American Academy of Paediatrics has recommended no screen time at all for under twos, but there is evidence that short bursts of time on interactive educational apps can help two to five year olds learn, says Dr. Gummer, a psychologist and play specialist.
  9. Teach your children responsibility about screen time. For younger children, you may need to set time limits and routines, for example two hours a day is accepted by many experts and police them. For older children 11 and over, it’s important to involve them in the process. ‘Parents should help them make decisions rather than trying to control every click which is impossible anyway. They need the skills and resilience to make sensible choices, which are the same skills they need to do their homework and going to bed. Parents can help them get into routines and explain to them that more than two hours a day of screen time is too much.’ says Dr. John Coleman, a teen psychologist researching a book on parents and screens.
  10. Have a screen free day. Boredom is a very important educational skill  because it gives them time and space to create and think about the things they want to do. Coleman recommends one totally screen free day maybe once a week.

Excerpts from The Times Saturday September 12, 2015 

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy

@NHyummymummy

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Family Life, Social Commentary

‘Teenage Daughters Mental Health: Please take care of Y(our) daughters…’

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I was having a rather disturbing conversation with a mother of a tween and teen who sends her daughters to arguably the most academic and rigorous girl’s school in Central London, which promises futures of Oxbridge and of ruling the world. She told me that about 50% of all the girls at this said school were suffering from moderate to severe psychological problems, which if you compare it to the normal teenager’s prevalence of 20%, is rather shocking.

What?

She described all kinds of psychological problems in these girls; depression, self-harming, eating disorders, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. It is normal for teenagers to have a higher than normal rate of psychological illness, during a time when hormones are raging, identities are being questioned and formed, and when teens are just more vulnerable and sensitive than most. It is not normal for it to be 50%. That is one out of two girls with bulimia or anorexia, depression or anxiety and others who end up with diagnoses and therapists. Some girls are throwing up during lunch breaks or eating appetite suppressant pills to lose weight. Others discussed their suicidal thoughts with their peers, almost as if it was ‘cool’ to be suicidal, calling their friends and telling them they were going to ‘do it’. Others yet are being diagnosed with more complex illnesses such as Bipolar Affective Disorder and Personality Disorders, requiring inpatient treatments and hours of therapy.

‘I can’t understand why this is happening’

The mother, whose children are well-adjusted and happy, couldn’t understand this shocking phenomenon and couldn’t explain why it was happening. Some people have idiopathic depression, when depression just happens without a cause and may be genetically linked. But in this very specific case in a closed school environment, where there is a higher than normal prevalence of psychological problems, it is obvious that there are triggers. Is it the school, the parents, social media or the peers? The answer is probably a bit of everything and probably dependent on the individual.

The School?

She thought that it wasn’t just in this particular school, but that these problems were apparent in many of the top London schools. The pressure that teens experience every day comes from everywhere: top academic schools which push children academically, even those pupils who probably shouldn’t be at these schools. Pressure from parents who push their children to excel and also fill their days with academic and extra curricular activities. Peers who compare themselves to super models. The ‘myth’ that parents tell their children that they ‘are always the best’. www://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationopinion/11643947/We-know-whats-wrong-in-education-so-what-are-we-doing-about-it.html

Another parent, this time from a boy’s school of equal scale, thinks it is a personality type, that hyper-competitive, bright and academic types tend to have behavioural issues, boys in a Asperger’s Syndrome and compulsive kind of way and girls with Eating Disorders and mental health issues. He mentioned that the top boarding schools also have problems, and that it isn’t just endemic in London schools. One of his friend’s daughter had to leave her top-of-the-league boarding school under distressing and difficult circumstances.

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Parents

We all know pushy parents. Need I say more?

Malaise of the Rich

One mother, rather unsympathetically, thinks that it is the malaise of the rich: they have no ‘real’ problems that they create problems for themselves. The poor in Sudan and Ethiopia aren’t worried about how small their waist line is. They are just hungry. The Syrian refugee children don’t worry about which top school they will get into, they just want a roof over their head. The ‘rich malaise’ may have some impact, but I don’t think it is the only or the root cause of all of these problems.

Control & Attention

Teens are in that awkward, transitional stage where they don’t completely depend on adults but also can’t be completely independent. There is a lack of control of their surroundings, unable to exert their independence yet wanting to. They have, in fact, little control over anything. Their bodies are changing. School at that age is prescriptive. They don’t have a choice how late they stay out or how they spend their money. Their parents splitting up and using them as a bargaining chip is beyond their control or understanding. This lack of control sometimes manifests itself in controlling what they can: eating. Bulimics and Anorexics use these tools as a way of gaining control of what is out of their control. Often there are problems at home or at school and this is their way of expressing themselves. Sometimes, it can be a call for attention and that something is not right in their life.

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Societal Pressure

The pressure on teenagers in urban schools is beyond what most normal teens have to endure. Not only do they have excel academically to ‘get into Oxbridge/Ivy,’ they have to excel at extra-curricular activities, be popular, and look like Gisele Bundchen. These are unrealistic expectations that are placed on our children by parents, schools, the external world and society. Yes, it’s lovely to have Natalie Massenet as your role model, but it’s OK not to be her. Of course, it would be lovely for our children to succeed and achieve, get that 1st class honours from Cambridge, become Stephen Hawking, but that is obviously not the destiny for most.

Social Media 

It has just been revealed that the level of Eating Disorders hospital admissions to specialist mental health centres for adolescents 13 to 19 y.o. has nearly doubled in the last few years, from 959 in 2010/2011 to 1,815 in 2013/14 http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/32975654/eating-disorder-hospital-admissions-nearly-double. Dr. Carolyn Nahman of the Royal College of Psychiatrists believes that social media is a huge concern as it creates social media pressure for these young girls to look perfect and model-like. There are ‘thinspiration’ websites that glamourise being thin and there are pro- anorexia ones which will wake you up with what is happening on the net. This is a general societal problem rather than just a problem of the super academic and the super rich, but how do we address it?

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Family 

Family problems can be a cause of stress and anxiety on young, vulnerable teenagers. Parents fighting, parents divorcing, or not having a stable family. Parents should sometimes look at their own behaviours and look at how they may be impacting their child’s. We may overestimate our children’s abilities to cope, just because they may not overtly express their emotions, mostly because they don’t fully know or understand their emotions yet.

Stress 

Teens are highly susceptible to the effects of stress but most parents either don’t see it or can’t see it. For those over-scheduled teens who suffer from mental illness, it would be useful to take a step back and look at their lives. Many of them have a rigorous academic schedule and exams which all lead to Oxbridge or the Ivy Leagues. Then they must excel at Netball or swimming or Track and Field to stand out from the rest. There is little time left to be a child, or even to spend quality time with their parents and friends.

If you look at the stress curve, there is a certain level of stress that is beneficial to people, which motivates and drives them and increases their productivity, but once you pass that beneficial threshold, it becomes a detriment to the work and then to the person. For many of these teens, they have gone past the threshold that is beneficial and quickly enter the panic/anxiety part of the curve, missing out on the exhaustion part because they are young, resilient and have more energy than you or me.

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I think that parents, schools, and other external factors are all pushing our daughters over the limit of their thresholds and we aren’t stopping them in time. Whatever the child’s problem, it is the parent’s duty to try catch it and try to address it, even though sometimes it is impossible. But it is our duty as parents to at least try and be aware of it.

What to do? 

As I see my daughters growing up, already mimicking and role playing Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, asking who is the ‘most beautiful of them all’, I wonder how I will protect them from the world and these overwhelming feelings that you can have as a teenager. What would I do if my child was suffering from depression and self harming I think to myself. Perhaps it would be important to look at their life as a whole, their home, their school situation, their friendship situation and then make some major changes. Perhaps it is our duties as parents to try to provide them an environment that is more suitable to them rather than put them in a situation that suits us and society. We all hope to have brilliant children, and although some thrive in their brilliance, others are crippled by it and it manifests in these psychological conditions.

Foresight

Having been through the teenagers years, I sympathise with these girls, who don’t yet have the coping skills that are acquired over a lifetime to deal with new emotions and challenges, and resort to these detrimental behaviours. For any parent that has a daughter or a son with behavioural problems, beware of the creeping clues and signs in their behaviours and do your best to address them early on. It can take years for mental health problems to develop, so perhaps spending more time with your children will let you see these problems crop up sooner than later, or maybe enable your child to confide in you if they are having difficulties. Getting into Oxford is after all not that important, but having a happy child certainly is.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

@NHyummymummy

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Family Life, Social Commentary

‘Are you a ‘Boardroom Mom?’

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Every class has at least one or two of them. A ‘Boardroom Mom’ that runs her children’s life with the same determination and precision as running a Fortune 500 company, full of back-to-back appointments, targets and desired outcomes. Come to think of it, 90% of moms I know are one version or another of a ‘Boardroom Mom.’ Boardroom Moms can be described as overqualified, overeducated and overachieving moms who ascribe to what anthropologists call ‘intensive parenting.’ I just read an article over the weekend ‘Poor Little Rich Women, by Wednesday Martin, a social anthropologist who is coming out with a new book on the ‘Upper East Side’ tribe of ‘Glam SAHMs’ (Glamorous Stay-at-Home-Moms), in which she criticises these women, who put all of their ambitions on their children and ‘over-parent’ in more ways than one (And to answer your question, no, I have never heard of wives bonuses and, yes, I think they are crazy or at least just a joke).

I only realised that I fell into this category, despite promising myself I would never be one of them, when my nanny was away and I tried to look after my children all on my own and realised that it was actually physically impossible to be in two places at one time. While one was at swimming class, the other was meant to be at a music class. One was meant to be dropped off at one school and the other at the other school at precisely the same time. When there are two people running this schedule, this type of scheduling works. But without two people, this schedule falls flat on its face. You may think I am an extreme, but other friends have excel worksheets of their children’s schedule. I consider myself average on the scale of ‘Boardroom moms.’

A lot of people without nannies wonder what women do who are Stay-At-Home-Mums and have nannies looking after their children. Most think that they are mani-pedi-ing, Yoga-ing and blowdry-ing most days. And some do and are of minor interest. In my case, I am guilty of over-scheduling my children and running my household as if I have two single children. Each has its own separate and unique schedule that completely does not coincide with their sibling’s. (I read some random article that guilted me into thinking that having more than one child means that the second will always be neglected, therefore decided to treat them as separate beings and entities, just because I can, but clearly not always to my benefit. Don’t believe everything you read). This keeps me busy and overstretched and my children believe that there should always be two people looking after them, to their detriment. But in the end, all I was trying to do was to be a good mother.

The trouble really is that I and so many women of my generation were raised thinking that we were going to rule the world. We were told to work hard, be independent, have careers, be equals to our male counterparts and that we could do whatever we put our minds to. So, as part of this generation of post feminist women, we all scrambled to get great degrees from the top universities, climbed the requisite career ladder and reached our goals of succeeding in our careers. Prior to motherhood, we were praised when we achieved a top degree, when we were promoted or did a great job or got a bonus that allowed us to buy that Chanel 5.0 or those Louboutins on our own salary. It filled us with pride. We were important cogs in the wheel of society.

But then, after reaching these top jobs or positions in a company, motherhood hit and these ‘top jobs,’ seen so highly valued by society, did not often work well with the trials and tribulations of motherhood. For example, my job sometimes meant working until midnight, working on weekends. It was not a flexible job where I could drop everything to take my kids to the doctor if they were sick, be there to do a ‘book reading’ at school or to attend any of the multitudes of events put on by the school; Christmas plays, Christmas fairs, bake sales, parent coffees, Sports Days, Parent teacher conferences, and the list continues. There are some ‘top’ jobs that allow that flexibility, but for the most part, with these types of jobs in banking/consulting/law/any demanding high-flying career, you are either in or out. You either let nannies raise your children, which is fine and you can plough on with your career, or you are out, and become one of these Glam SAHMs.

After trying the whole work-motherhood balance and even part-timing, I realised that I couldn’t do both well. I was too groomed to be perfect at what I do and not to tolerate my own mediocrity. When at work, I tried focusing on work, but motherhood kept interfering; sick children, sleepless nights, school events and of course the biggest monster of all, guilt. Then at home, I was tired, stressed and would worry about not being there with my children for each and every milestone. Like a friend who missed her child’s first steps because she was out of the country on a work trip. Can you live with that or not? is the question many moms have to answer. My answer was that I soon quit and became a full time mother. I chose to be at home because that was my personal priority, but also because ingrained in my DNA was this primal, instinctual, uncontrollable need to be a parent, whether I wanted to or not. Others of course choose work, which I completely understand and often admire, but for me, the pull towards motherhood was stronger.

So here I am, a full time mother with so many degrees under my belt, so overeducated and so overachieving, so disciplined and organised, doing what apparently nannies can do just as well as me or perhaps even better (if you read the articles about full time working moms and their children being just as happily raised by their nannies, you wonder why you do it at all – you just can’t win as a woman). That’s when over-parenting, ‘intensive parenting’ comes in. We, as highly educated and highly intelligent women, are left with running a household and raising children, with the skills of CEOs, accountants, managers and leaders. That’s when we put all of our energy into raising these ‘perfect kids’ because we have achieved so much in our prior lives that we expect that we can do the same in a domestic setting. We don’t know how to handle mediocrity. We want to be the ‘best parent’ we can be, just as we tried to be the best lawyer/banker/worker. Perhaps it is out of frustration, or perhaps it is the only way can be.

Then, once you become a full time mother, there is no more praise or quantifiable, measurable achievement or metric of you as a mother. That’s when ‘getting into the right school’ becomes an obsession and we put in all our energies where we can get an actual reward as a mother and we can proudly stand tall and tell someone at a dinner party that so-and-so got into ‘St.Pauls/Westminster/Oxford/Harvard’ as a praise to us as parents. We are using our children’s achievements as personal praise, which is just so wrong, and which I strongly try to resist in the midst of parental madness, herd immunity and peer pressure. But I understand where it comes from. I miss receiving praise for the work I have done, to feel good about myself because of some sort of achievement, and the ability to proudly tell someone what I do for a living. Instead, just last weekend at a dinner party, someone asked what I did, and I replied ‘I take care of my 2 children,’ and the conversation pretty much ended (which ultimately, I understand, because I also want to talk about other things than talk about my children).

It is my own fault for not taking more pride in what I do day in and day out, but I miss being part of a team, of being useful in a different way than changing nappies, co-ercing my children not to eat with their fingers or ensuring that homework is finished on time. I miss having quantifiable, measurable results and rewards. Even though nothing can replace the hugs and kisses I get from my children, I still miss the achievements I once had, and can only remember them as if they were part of a distant past or another life. Instead, I am led by my maternal instincts and plan my children’s future. I plan their weekends and their playdates. I make sure they are learning ‘essential life skills’ like swimming, a second language and sports, to be polite and responsible citizens. But a part of me deeply misses the old me and hope that one day, she will be back.

So instead of criticising these Glam SAHMs, perhaps the real question we should be asking ourselves, now 50 years after Betty Friedan’s ‘The Feminine Mystique,’ is how to find a way for all these overeducated, overqualified women to use their skills usefully in society, without compromising their role as a mother.

Let me know your thoughts.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillyummymummy.com

@NHyummymummy

 

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Family Life, Reviews, Social Commentary

Book Review: ‘The Opposite of Spoiled: How to Raise Kids who are Grounded, Generous and Smart about Money’

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Already when my daughter was three, I had to answer questions such as ‘Why don’t we have a slide in our house, mummy?’ (Considering she had three friends with indoor slides in their homes and we are a rather antisocial family, that seemed like a ridiculously high proportion of people with indoor slides, so it is unsurprising she asked that question. I clearly must have missed the ‘indoor slide’ trend that was happening 5 years ago). Then there were questions of ‘Why can’t I have a birthday party with a bouncy castle, a magician, pony rides, and princesses like so-and-so?’ http://www.nottinghillmummy.com/2014/06/05/kids-birthday-parties-these-days-nobu-or-the-dorchester-darling/ and ‘Why do I have to walk to school? My friend has Peter, the taxi driver.’

This is West London and no matter how hard we try to avoid it, the subject of money comes up regularly with our children. It may be a very taboo subject, but Ron Lieber, who writes a column, Your Money, for the New York Times, faces the issue straight on with his recently published book, ‘The Opposite of Spoiled: How to raise kids who are Grounded, Generous and Smart About Money,’ which has already shot up on the New York Times Bestseller’s List.

For many parents, the idea of your child being ‘spoiled’ is possibly the worst insult on you as a parent. Ron Lieber firstly describes that there are 4 ways of being spoiled:

1. ‘A spoiled child does not have any rules or regulations or behavioural standards, they’re more or less allowed to do as they please.’

2. ‘If a child breaks whatever rules and regulations that do exist in the household, there are no consequences for them or they are short-lived.’

3. ‘Lavishing time and attention on children in a way that is abnormal – so called helicopter parenting – also leads to children becoming spoiled.’

4. ‘It is only the fourth definition that we begin to talk about money. It’s possible to spoil kids by giving them lots of things and doing it in a way where they come to expect things, and feel entitled to them, and don’t express feelings of gratitude or graciousness about the things they have or the things they get to do.’

So if you have ever wondered how to handle the ‘money questions,’ here below are Ten Tips to help you navigate theses questions and teach your children about money, based on Ron Lieber’s book.

Ten Tips on How to teach children the value of money: 

1. Explain the difference between ‘Want’ versus ‘Need’

Although each family will have their own threshold, it is important to explain that there are things that we ‘need’ (food on the table, proper clothes, a house with a roof over our heads) versus our ‘wants’ (birthday presents, new Frozen doll or new Ninja Turtle).

2. Start an ‘allowance’ at the age of five or six

As soon as they are able to add and subtract, you can start giving them an allowance. For example, give them 50p for each year old they are. The idea is to give enough that they can buy something, save and manage their money. Parents should then not buy their children any other ‘wants’ apart from birthdays and christmas.

Ron Lieber although does not encourage linking money to chores. He feels that chores are things that need to be done regardless of whether a child is being paid or not. They should do it for free as a member of the household.

3. Split the allowance into three jars: Give, Save and Spend

‘Spend’ jar can be used for the odd impulse buy, the ‘Give’ jar teaches them to be generous and the ‘Save’ jar teaches about patience and delayed gratification.

4. Use money as a teaching tool:

Money can instil values such as curiosity, patience, thrift, modesty, generosity ad perseverance. It is also one way to show them what kind family you are: ‘a family that values education’ or a ‘family that values experiences over material things.’

5. Money is about Values

Teach your children to be grateful for what they have, to share it and to be generous with others and spend it wisely on the things that make you happiest. Teach them about priorities and a proper way to live.

6. Give your children control over their spending decisions

Around the ages of 10-12 is a good time to give them autonomy over spending, he says. ‘They’ll inevitably make mistakes or spend money on trinkets and regret it later when they don’t money for things they truly want, so letting them make mistakes – spectacular ones even – is a great way to go, because then they learn, and they’re not mistakes when they’re 24.’

7. Children should have a real job

This is a great way to teach children about work ethics, hard work and understand how much a pound can go (which these days is limited to the Pound Shop). The Americans are very good at encouraging their children to have part time jobs, and if it is less than 15 hours per week, it will foster essential skills that will be good for their future: they will have to report to a ‘boss,’ need to be responsible, show up on time, and do it happily.

8. Be open and talk about it when they ask you difficult questions about money

Kids get it. There job is to be curious. They are already sizing people up based on wealth, whether you like it or not. When they ask you difficult questions about money (ie. How much do you earn? Are we rich or poor?), respond by asking ‘Why do you ask?’ to determine why they are anxious or curious about it. Then, be transparent about where money comes from and where it goes; bills, mortgages, school fees, etc…

9. Teach kids delayed gratification

Teach them about delayed gratification by letting them save for something they really want over time. It is a key part of learning to handle money well. “Teaching our children the ability to wait is a big part of our overall goal, and what’s most important about allowance is what will happen when they’re too old to get one.”

10. Practice Gratitude 

Children have very seldom the chance to pause and reflect on what they have and count their blessings. Feeling fortunate is good for kids, so whether you say grace or teach them gratitude in your own way, it is important to show your children what you value. As Ron Lieber says, ‘If you want to feel rich, count all the things you have that money can’t buy.’

http://www.amazon.com/The-Opposite-Spoiled-Grounded-Generous-ebook/dp/B00KAC65PW

 

Let me know your thoughts about his book!

xx

NHYM

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