‘Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master.’ Christian Lange Nobel Prize Winner

A few months ago, I was organising a sleepover for my daughter and her friends when I was accosted by one of her friend’s mums asking me: ‘Does your daughter have a cell/mobile phone?’ with the same intensity and anxiety as if she were asking me if we kept guns at home (something that does happen in LA I’ve been told!). Taken aback, I wasn’t quite sure how to answer. Sheepishly, I replied, ‘Yes, but she’s only allowed an hour a day.’ I was faced with a blank stare. ‘She has time limits.’ No change. ‘She doesn’t have TikTok or Instagram. Only 5 minutes of Snapchat a day just so she can communicate with a few friends.’ Still, my response landed flat. I soon realised that there was no way I was going to assuage her or win this argument. Then, she proceeded to lecture me that I needed to take away her phone at night for the sleepover. I was so petrified and paralyzed that I failed to find any witty comebacks or to tell her that my daughter’s phone shuts down at night anyway so it wouldn’t be a problem.

Of course, I wish I had said: ‘But I am a good mum! Both my children are top schools in the UK! One of them is a national level performance athlete and the other was invited to Mathematics Masterclasses at the Royal Institute of Mathematics! They’ve both sang at the O2 with Paul McCartney! Both their names are inscribed in plaques in their primary school’s dining hall for their contributions to their school! They’ve been called perfect and I’ve literally been asked for breakfast for parenting/schooling advice!’ But instead, I was speechless, #mumshamed. I had yet again, been made to feel like a #Mumfail.

Turns out, I am not even safe from the Phone Mafia even in my own house. Social media and screens have been the hot topic of every Whatsapp parent group, and only more spurred on by the book ‘The Anxious Generation by Dr. Jonathan Haidt,’ and the TV Series ‘Adolescence.’ At school, we are constantly being given lectures and workshops on how to navigate screen times and social media and on Digital Safety. It’s a hotter topic than the European wildfires.

Let me clear, of course I often wish my kids never had phones, but this is where we are and there’s no going back but with some common sense and a lot of parent involvement, you can really get through this unharmed. It is the parents’ responsibility once they give their child a phone to know what is going on with their kids online. I mean, you should really know if your child is on Onlyfans or watching pornography or bullying others, that is a parenting responsibility.

I don’t think the issue is black or white and I do not inherently think that phones are ‘good or evil.’ It’s how they are used that matters. As a scientist, I do not believe that phones and social media are the sole cause of all of our children’s mental health struggles (the scientific basis of the Anxious Generation book is at best loose, and doesn’t distinguish causality from correlation and omits other world variables on children during the same time period). I do agree that it can be very scary navigating unknown teenage internet territory and we should be wary and involved in their digital lives. I do believe that social media companies have a responsibility to keep children safe, rather than feed them dangerous algorithms of starvation, suicide or other ridiculously inappropriate content. It’s a complex subject to say the least, but it’s important not to label phones or all social media as the root of all evil.

Both of my children received phones when they started senior schools and started travelling to school on their own. They use their phones to call me when they’re late, when they’re lost and when things change like the tubes being suspended and they have no way home. They use the bus and tube timetables in the morning to get to school, and googlemaps when they’re walking around in the neighborhood. (And I can track them when they are riding the bus in the wrong direction!). Unlike Dr Haigt’s argument about kids being less independent when they use a phone, it’s been quite the opposite; they have the confidence to travel alone in London because they can look up maps any time they get lost and know they can call me any time.

Not only that, but they keep in touch with friends from all over the world, speak to their grandparents on Whatsapp video calls who live across oceans and channels, and use phones creatively all the time for capcut videos, sing-a-thons, travel vlogs and learn how to draw online. They follow sports and news and share their interests with us. It’s not all bad. The reality, is we live in a digital world, and we, as parents, have to help them navigate the digital world in a positive way.

But I agree that there is plenty of value highlighting the need to be aware of what’s going on online in our children’s worlds: pornography, strangers connecting with them, cyberbullying, blackmail but also, screen addiction, shortening attention spans, and obsession with looking a certain way. It can happen to adults, but children will evidently be more vulnerable. There is so much to unpick when discussing screens, the internet and social media usage but we, as parents, have a duty to try to keep them as safe as possible. For now, I will contribute some tips I have learned so far while parenting the digital generation.

Here are my top 10 Tips of dealing with social media and screen time:

1. Digital Education: talk, talk, talk to your kids about what they might come across online and what they need to do to keep themselves safe. Talk about how much screen time is healthy and go over their screen usage together. Encourage them to choose their own ‘screen time’ goals and see if they can achieve them. Set healthy boundaries for them.
2. Use the Parental controls to block any unwanted websites: violence, drugs, pornography etc…
3. Time limits can be valuable. Iphones have inbuilt time limits in their parental controls settings, otherwise Qustodio or Family Link are useful apps until they are responsible for their phone usage. But it’s not only how much time they spend on screens, it’s also quality: learning a new language and learning how to draw online is not the same as talking to a stranger online or ‘doomscrolling.’ A big benefit of Qustodio is you can actually see what your child has been scrolling online: you can see how much time they’ve spent on Life360, Whatsapp, Capcut, etc… and what searches they’ve done on online.
4. The first most important tip from psychologists: Take phones away a night. My children’s phones shut down from 9:30 pm to 7am to avoid the screaming and shouting matches when I try to take them away.
5. Make sure you have screen – free meals and screen – free time as a family. Remind them that there is life outside the internet. How you use screens as a family is important: model positive screen usage.
6. Ensure that they have IRL hobbies and friends. Complete seclusion from real life is a warning sign.
7. Phones are not the only screen that can cause harm: ipads and other screens can also affect your child so make sure those are protected too.
8. Wait – as long as possible – to give them social media apps: Insta, Snap, TikTok, Youtube shorts. They are not necessary for 10 year olds. Whatsapp is a personal choice, but it has its benefits for communicating with friends. You can also give them phones with only child-friendly apps and without social media, adult content, and addictive apps like the Balance Phone, which is a great option.
9. If your schools use Ipads, you can also invest in apps that can shut down the internet to school devices and home internet once they have finished their homework. Youtube is a big culprit for time-wastage, and it can be hard to control, given that many school iPads allow Youtube. A bit drastic, but when Youtube is driving you crazy, it’s good to know you can still have control!
10. The most important tip, is to continue to connect with your child, so that if anything ever were to come up online, they feel comfortable opening up to you. This is my most valuable tip. If you’re going to give your child a phone, try to have a good grasp of what’s going on in their digital lives, just as you would in real life. You might not know everything that’s going on, but you should try to have a good understanding of your child’s screen life, just as you do in real life. It’s not always easy, but at least they know that they have someone to turn to navigating this new world.

We are the first generation of parents dealing with screens and social media and there is no set path or blueprint on how to best support our kids; we are learning as we go along. Not only that, but the effects of screens on our kids (and us) keeps emerging. We can only try our best. Just try not to make other mums feel bad about their choices: we’re all trying to do what’s best for our kids.

xx

NHYM

http://www.nottinghillmummy.com